I’ve been with my boyfriend since 2024. Our relationship has to be on the down low / an open secret because dating isn’t permissible among his people. His family says they really like me, but they’d never accept me as his wife since I’m not Arab, maybe as a second wife, but the first wife has to be someone they approve of. I don’t want to be a second wife. I’m with him despite all of this because he treats me great, fucks me good, and gets me (he’s very open-minded and chill, and I feel fully comfortable with him). But I know he won’t go against his family for me because of $$$.
Yeah I dated an Indian girl whose family didn’t permit her dating me. I know from experience that I’m talking to a brick wall but if I could go back I would’ve never started that relationship or left it as soon as possible. If someone isn’t rejecting their family outright they will never choose you. You’re being used as an outlet for their desires that exist outside the culture they live in, it isnt love. Love doesn’t have to hide, it insists upon itself.
True love isn’t real, whatever you see in this person isn’t unique and exists in countless others; others who who will be everything you want without the burden of overbearing family. The longer you stay in this relationship the more of these people you will see slip between your fingers.
His family says they really like me, but they’d never accept me as his wife since I’m not Arab
Who is saying this to you? Are they saying it, or is he saying it?
Because if his family says that they really like you but they are not willing to accept you as part of their family if one of their own desires it, then no matter how good they think their reasons may be, they don’t actually like you. They are just making excuses.
And if he’s the one saying it and you’ve never received any kind of verbal confirmation from, say, his siblings or parents about the topic, I would be highly suspicious of his motives.
I think that this is a larger discussion that has to happen with your boyfriend. Telling him how playing second fiddle to another woman would make you feel might give him some much needed perspective. If he’s not willing to budge on the traditional marriage, you have a choice to make - you can continue to be with him and reap the benefits of the relationship, but you are going to accept that eventually he’s going to push you into a situation that you cannot tolerate (being a mistress, essentially) and you are going to end up with nobody and all the time and years of your life that you can never get back spent cultivating the failed relationship will be lost.
On the other hand, there is a nonzero chance that he might change his mind. Maybe money isn’t as important to him as your love and affection for him is. Maybe he will mature a little more and recognize the importance of keeping someone he knows he cares about close, rather than taking a chance on someone else who just happens to be of the same race. But that’s a lot of “maybes” and “what ifs”.
Personally, I would draw a line in the sand. Like a savvy gambler, you have to know when to quit while you’re behind, because losing the relationship will no doubt be hard for you emotionally, but you know what’s worse? Losing the relationship anyway after trying for years to salvage it and then realizing that you wasted that time of your life chasing someone who didn’t value you instead of hitting the dating scene right away. If you straight up tell him that you want to be his #1 and only wife, and he rejects that, you should leave him. Stick with him for the sex and the company if you want, but don’t hesitate to put yourself back on the market, and take time to start emotionally distancing yourself from him.
Not only does the “relationship” have no future, as he won’t go against the wishes of his racist family, but if I were you I’d feel insulted and used. He knew all of this in advance (he knows who his parents are and what they think and what his decision regarding this would be too) and he still went this far with you? Let’s just hope he’s immature and pre-PFC development, else he’s just plain evil. Come on, V… and, btw, every man has a dick, stop focusing so much on the sexual aspect of things. I know you’re young but there’s no point in wasting time and accumulating mistakes and bad experiences just for the fun of it.
The answer to your question is a resounding no but you both need to be on the same page. Is there any real risk of you developing deeper feelings that will hurt you in the future if/when you’re cast aside? Are you ready to be cast aside on terms that are not your own if his parents decided it’s time for him to get serious? Would you be comfortable with going from his priority to a distraction in one fell swoop when things get real? Would you simply end the relationship at that point?
If you feel respected by him and his family and you’re cool with it not going any further / potentially ending abruptly then sounds like you’re okay with the circumstances.
You’re in a relationship with a guaranteed expiry date. Traditionally relationships were a means to an end (marriage), now they can be much more sophisticated. Are you truly satisfied with terms of your relationship and most likely outcomes?
If there were a person who treats you great, fucks you good and gets you but also could be a long term partner, would you rather be in that situation? Do you think you’re wasting time by not looking for that person? Is not the oppurtunity cost of this relationship too high if that’s the case? Is there a part of you that feels your investment in this relationship is a sunk cost that makes it difficult to look for alternatives?
It really comes down to whether you want a long term relationship or not. If that’s not a priority to you then you’re fine. If it is, then you may be passing on something even better and you need to decide if it’s time to go look for that.
To answer the question in your title, it depends on what you’re looking for.
When I was in my teens I didn’t know where I would be in a few years, planning for the future was difficult. The main criteria I used was that I didn’t want to regret a relation. It should be something I could look back on fondly and think “Yes, this was meaningful” even later.
As my life got a bit more predictable in my now early twenties and the road ahead more clear, this has shifted my priorities strictly towards seeking a partner for life. Right now, I have found someone who (hopefully) is it. Time can pass quickly, so once you’ve an idea of what you’re looking for in a long term partner (assuming you want one) it may be a good idea to not get stuck in dead-end relations.
situation specific part
As for the situation you describe here in your post, to me it looks like a huge red flag to be extra careful even if this relation can be enjoyable for the time being.
To be clear, what follows here is anecdotal, based on a personal experience with a friend who had a similar relationship with an arab where his family had the same kinds of reservations. Your mileage might vary, just make sure to not simply assume that he’s as open-minded you want him to be, ask.
In any case, my friends ex seemed like a very reasonable (i.e not misogynistic) person when I met him but things got ugly when she wanted to break up. His own values had been much closer to those of his family than he let on. Suddenly she was “his” and he wouldn’t allow her to break up. Not great.
You can have a lot of fun in a relationship with no future. But you can’t have fun in a relationship with no future when you want there to be a future.
You can either enjoy this relationship for what it is, or find a relationship that meets your needs!
My view is if he’s that open about it not being serious, I would be shopping around. Keep fucking him and hanging out in the meantime if you want. It’s not cheating if you’re not exclusive. But move on as soon as you can.
Either way you will feel pain. Just ride it
You have to balance enjoying today against planning for tomorrow.
How much are you limiting yourself in finding a long term partner by being in the relationship? If you were single instead of in this relationship for say a year, how many guys that could be long term would you meet?
How much do you value long term vs Just getting laid today?
You’re young, making mistakes and wrong decisions is how you learn these things. Just don’t make a mistake that is permanent, like tattoos, kids or driving without a seatbelt.
How much are you limiting yourself in finding a long term partner by being in the relationship? If you were single instead of in this relationship for say a year, how many guys that could be long term would you meet?
Also whether you are learning something from the current relationship that would make a future relationship more successful. For example, if you are actively finding things out about yourself that might have derailed future relationships then a failed relationship might still be worth it.
Tell the family there is nothing to worry about since you’re only considering him as your second husband.
It might be, but who cares.
As a wise man once said: the time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
If you don’t enjoy it, tho, then you’re definitely wasting your time for no good.
If you are ok with a fun for now thing and both of you are on the same page about it, no, it’s not at all a waste of time. Aren’t you still a teenager? Don’t look for some forever thing yet, enjoy yourself!
From your other posts, I guess you are around 18 and this is your first long-term relationship. If that’s the case, don’t worry too much about it. Don’t expect your first relationship to last forever. Or your second. Or third. Enjoy what you have for as long as it lasts but don’t be afraid to move on when either of you becomes uncomfortable with it. If you treat every relationship as if it must last forever, you won’t recognize the signs if something develops in the wrong direction and you risk locking yourself into something you don’t want, just because you don’t realize that you have other options.
Breakups hurt like hell but they also help you grow. With each one you learn something about yourself, your life goals and what you like and dislike in a partner. I’m in my late 30s now and if you count everything that lasted longer than a year, I’m in my third long-term relationship right now, with a hand full of shorter ones in between. The longest one lasted for about seven years and ended because we figured out that our plans for the future had changed in a way that no longer fit together. Breaking up was the right choice and maybe we should have done it a bit earlier but at the same time, I’m grateful for every single day we had and regret nothing.
So in short: see where the journey goes. Be open-minded either way. Maybe you’ll stay together for another month, another year or another decade. Enjoy each other for as long as you’re both happy but don’t be afraid of ending things when you’re not.
I think the key to this is how you really feel about it. If you are genuinely happy with the arrangement, and aware you will eventually need to move on, that can be okay. If you start to feel any self-esteem issue, like you’re being taken advantage of, it’s time to get out and find something better. Always respect yourself.
I had a relationship that lasted 3 years. I didn’t think we had no future, but lasting 10 was pretty unlikely. I still learned things that made my future relationships better. While I have some regrets, I’m still overall glad about the relationship.
If you’re getting something of value, it can be worth sticking around. If you’re just having fun and that’s what all parties involved are looking for, that’s fine, too, imo. Ultimately, you have to decide if it’s worth it to you to stick around.
